The nagging in the pit of your stomach…
The doubts that won’t go away…
The questions that aren’t getting answered…
How do you know if you’re being fool to trust your partner? How do you know if you’re making up stories in your head that are causing jealousy, tension and distance in your relationship– for no good reason?
The saying goes that “love is blind.”
This doesn’t mean, however, that YOU have to blind yourself to clues and signs that your partner might be lying to you or even cheating. It also doesn’t mean that it’s a good idea for you to ignore the nagging, doubting and questions.
It’s can certainly cause problems in your love relationship or marriage for you to react from your jealousy or your worries that your partner is lying or cheating. But, at the same time, it’s can cause just as many problems– and heartache– for you not to pay attention.
We all know that mistrust can really erode a relationship. It can lead to arguments, disconnection and even a break up. Be clear within yourself about what is causing you to mistrust. Base your conscious decision to mistrust on reliable and tangible information. This might mean that you question your own assumptions and follow up to see if there’s proof to back up what you suspect.
Here are 5 signs that it might be wise for you to mistrust your partner….
#1: Your partner’s words don’t add up.
When you notice that your partner’s words just don’t make sense, this is your wake-up call. It could be, for example, that he mentions seeing a big wreck across town when he said he’d been with a friend in a completely different part of the city that day.
Listen closely and pay attention to details. You could ask, “Could you tell me more about that?” to clarify and make sure you are hearing your partner correctly.
#2: Your partner’s words and actions don’t match.
Similar to your partner’s words not adding up, there might be inconsistencies between what your partner says and does. Again, this is a clue for you to tune in more closely.
For instance, your partner might tell you that she’s too exhausted to go with you to one of your work parties, yet later you find out that she went to the gym AND weeded the garden.
There could be logical reasons for the inconsistency that you notice between what your partner says and what he or she does. It is so important that you NOT jump to conclusions or make accusations. For the moment, just notice and keep track of how frequent these inconsistencies are.
#3: You catch your partner in a lie.
When you find out that your partner has lied to you, this is a big red flag for trust. Even if the lie seems insignificant, don’t blow it off. You don’t have to make a big deal about it– unless you choose to– but do notice.
A series of “little” lies, “white lies,” and half-truths can add to a whole lot of mistrust. There might not be infidelity going on, but lying most certainly indicates that there are weak points in the relationship.
If you talk to your partner about the lie, consider doing so with an intention to learn more. Find out what might be standing in the way of honesty in your relationship. This is not letting your partner off the hook, by the way. It’s getting information so that more lies can be prevented in the future.
#4: Other information disputes what your partner says.
Let’s say that your neighbor calls you with some distressing news. She swears that she saw your husband talking intimately with another woman at a restaurant. He told you he brown bagged it for lunch that day. She doesn’t want to worry you, but….
When a friend, family member or acquaintance tells you something about your partner that disputes what he or she said, it’s troubling. You might wonder whom you should trust!
Take a deep breath and go over again what you were told. Ask yourself if this person is reliable. What did the other person literally see or hear about your partner? Could there be another possibility?
Assess both what you were told by the other person and also what your partner said. Which do you have more proof about?
#5: Your gut tells you that something is “off.”
Don’t discount your gut. When you have no tangible clues, but you just feel like something is “off” about your relationship, this is definitely a time to dig deeper within yourself.
Take some quiet time by yourself to figure out what’s at the root of you feeling the way you do about your relationship. Have you and your partner been distant from one another lately? Has there just not been enough quality connecting time for the two of you? Is there something from your past that has been on your mind a lot?
The clearer you can get about what your gut is trying to tell you, the easier it will be for you to know what your next step will be. You can also look for any inconsistencies and pay closer attention to your partner.
Please remember… NONE of these signs necessarily mean that your partner is lying to you or cheating. Use these suggestions to hone in on reliable information that you can use to decide whether or not your mate is trustable.
Even weak trust, lying and infidelity– yes, we said infidelity– don’t necessarily mean that your relationship has to end. This is a choice that YOU get to make. Trust can be rebuilt and relationship connection restored when both people are willing to make changes.
Alex Wise is a dating consultant for Loveawake.com dating site and blog contributor. He writes his best ideas, advices and tips about relationships, online dating and marriage for blogs and sites. For more information, please visit the comapy site or follow Alex at Facebook and Twitter